[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.