DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
You Might Also Like
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I wanna be friends with this person
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.