If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.