[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
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My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.