Me redecorating every room in my mind
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Tony Hawk, age 6
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me