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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?