Buying a well is money well spent.
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
no one likes gloating
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle