I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
My dad teaching me to drive