Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit