Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”