Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.