No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No