Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol