Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs