My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Just paid my bills, so don鈥檛 ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The outburst I had at JoAnn鈥檚 Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he鈥檚 in the ICU
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 馃
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it鈥檚 because his New Year鈥檚 resolution is to drink more water.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes