When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube