You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
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I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.