Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
You Might Also Like
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Blew out my flip flop…
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!