My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?