That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Natural selection at its finest
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
wow
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.