5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair