[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
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It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen