My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*