Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
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“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?