The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.