I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
notice
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Cake!!
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
NASA has no chill
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.