Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”