Good dog. ❤️
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Attacked by a mop.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
sry
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.