when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Its true…
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it