I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
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How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Sunday
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I just love that new Pope smell.