If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.