Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Finally, a door that understands me
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.