Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.