Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer