Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
*lint rolls you awake*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”