“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I am yelling
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat