(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day