Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
When I said I liked it rough.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.