People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest