Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
this chia pet tastes awful
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.