My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
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Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Reporter: *ports again*
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired: