It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.