You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.