Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*