Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.