Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
i prefer mine room temperature.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace