Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
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[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
North and South
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
There鈥檚 no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It鈥檚 nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Bit chilly again tonight.
I鈥檓 going to quit the strongman competition I鈥檓 in. I put in my too weak notice
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Message from the dog groomers
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 馃槈
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
#Caturday
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?