“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
You can’t outrun your problems…
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.