Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
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So can we start calling them Traylor now?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
we’re dead?
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.