I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
“HELP WITH CAT”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce